As I glanced through the Official Local Voters Pamphlet that arrived in the mail today, I realized that I am nowhere near my Coolness Potential. There’s some dude here in Seattle who kicks so much ass, it’s hard to keep from getting dizzy. His name is Goodspaceguy Nelson. Here is a guy who is so cool that his old name wasn’t cutting it anymore, so he changed it to Goodspaceguy. He is running for King County Council Candidate, County District Eight. I have no clue what his platform is, but I have a hunch it has to do with liking Space. Sounds good so far. But lets not get carried away. We need to judge this matter dispassionately.

First of all, notice his picture. One word: awesome. Check. Next, review his statement:

People-with-problems have difficulty finding employment. Let’s raise the living standard and quality-of-life…Competition is good. King County should not hand Boeing Field over to the Port.

To glorify King County, ask that governments make it easier to make movies here. Let’s raise the living standard by getting a larger percentage of our people working. Employment cures many problems and helps some homeless people buy vans.

Governments should make showers available to our people and should give employment as helpers to minimum wage applicants. We could then open our libraries more and investigate more crimes…Unemployment is a huge waste.

Goodspaceguy studied at universities in Germany, Sweden, and America. Goodspaceguy earned a university Master’s and a Bachelor’s degree..

My first thought is, he must have said to himself, “Well, if George W pulled it off, then I’m trying.”

I’m not sure who he’s talking about when he says “people-with-problems”. This could be anyone. I’m guessing he’s referring to people who like blue cars. In that case, I agree. 2-0 for Goodspaceguy. Next, I totally agree with not handing Boeing Field over to the Port. I’m not a pilot myself, but I can imagine that having the airfield under water in the port would make it tricky to land and take off. Check. 3-0 for Goodspaceguy. Second paragraph is a no-brainer. Movies rule. 4-0 for Goodspaceguy.

Now we get into the real meat of his platform. Minimum wage workers who shower = more libraries and crime investigation. I’m surprised not more people have made this connection. 5-0 for Goodspaceguy. Unemployment is a huge waste. Duh. And we’re at 6-0. Goodspaceguy went to school. 7-0.

So, obviously, I’m on board. If this guy keeps on the same Coolness Trajectory, he’s going to have to change his name to Kickingassandtakingnamesamesspaceguy. And, I’m betting he does that before I get cool enough to change my name for the first time. Name suggestions welcome. Names on this list are excluded.

Read his full statement here.