Well, I’ll be off to the Motherland tonight to meet Michelle in Amsterdam. Incomprehensibly, in the decade we’ve been together, we’ve 
never found the opportunity to travel there together. Although Michelle has been before she met me, she will find Dutchland to be an entirely new experience now that her eyes have been opened to the importance, nay - infallibility - of the Dutch.
We will eat croquetten, fritten, and drink imported beer. (For all their strengths, the Dutch don’t make great beer. Our neighbors to the south are better.)
As I prepare to leave, I reflect on some best practices if you’re an American traveling in the Netherlands.
- Always recognize that any stranger you meet on the street is smarter, wiser, and better looking than you. Unless you’re also Dutch. Then you draw straws.
- If you speak Dutch fluently and need to find out how the rail system works, do not ask in Dutch. If you speak Dutch and don’t know how the trains work, they will assume - quite rightly - that you are some kind of freak. Always use English in this matter, and the natives will be most helpful. After all, as an UnDutch you could never be expected to understand the very sophisticated and well-designed Dutch public transit system.
- Don’t refer to Belgians as “tidy”.
- If you think Berlin is the capital, don’t bring it up. In fact, don’t confuse the Dutch and Germans in any way. Different country, different language, different people, one occupied the other. Sensitive subject.
- While we’re on the subject of countries that have occupied the Netherlands; I forget the specifics, but it’s best not to mention most of Europe. You can talk about Luxembourg, though. No problems there. Lichtenstein is aces, too.
- Don’t be surprised if a Dutchman walks up to you on the street and explains to you how you should be behaving differently. For those of you living in Seattle, this will make you feel at home; for the rest of you, this will be somewhat odd. Consider it public service and an opportunity to become a better, more complete person; you’ll be just that little bit closer to being Dutch.
- It will be rainy and gray. For those of you living in Seattle, this will cure your homesickness; for the rest of you, this will make you feel rainy and gray.
See you in a week.
