What is going on with Giada De Laurentiis from Everyday Italian? Why does she have a cooking show? She is obviously very uncomfortable in front of a camera, awkward in a kitchen, can’t hold a knife to save her life, and doesn’t have any tolerance for getting things messy. Those are the first four things I would check up on before setting someone up on with a cooking show. But once again, the Right People forgot to check in with me before giving it the green light.

Michelle and I call her “The Italian Bird”, which is a misnomer because we’re pretty sure she just pretends like she’s Italian. First hint: every time she says something Italian like “Parmesan Reggiano”, she says it (a) like a spaz and (b) differently than the last time she said it. I speak various western European languages to varying degrees, and I’ve noticed a common thread among them: unless you’re from Andorra, “spaz” is usually not an element of pronunciation, and words are pretty much pronounced the same way each time you use it. Pronunciation is not typically something a native speaker “guesses” at. Second hint: when her siblings come on the show, they don’t appear to speak a word of Italian. She also pretends like she’s from this big Italian cooking family. But when her mom comes on the show, she can’t tell the difference between an oven and a mixer. Most cooks will tell you this is important distinction because a roast can take a really long time to cook in a mixer.

To recap, she’s weird on camera, has no recognizable skills in the kitchen, appears to have no cooking background, and can’t stand making a mess. I have no idea why her show is popular. My best guess is it’s because she wears low-cut shirts and has big boobs. Bearing in mind how most men react to that configuration, I’m estimating that doubles her show’s ratings. I am ashamed for men everywhere that we’re that easy. Especially you, Bourdain. I thought you were better than that. This woman is a complete douchewaffle.

And why the HELL is she on the Today Show now? This chick is borderline retarded, obnoxious, and a fraud. Oh, wait. I guess that one makes perfect sense, then.