Being bilingual is really nice, but it does have some disadvantages. Since I grew up in the U.S. speaking Dutch at home, 
my handle on both Dutch and English is weaker than native speakers. Not only is my Dutch vocabulary a snapshot of 1970’s pop culture when my parents immigrated, but my English is full of expressions translated directly from Dutch - expressions which I think make perfect sense but make American’s look at me like I have two heads. Things like “from thick wood one saws many planks”.
I also struggle to say various English words and expressions correctly, often mixing up the more subtle details. For example, something like “he can’t tell his ass from his elbow” or “he’s got his head up his ass” might become something like, “he’s got his head up his elbow.” I really feel the burden lies on everyone else to show some flexibility and “get” that.
I get called a lot of names. A lot of them get recycled, like “Old Dutch”, “Dumbass”, and “The Windmill”, but sometimes an original one comes along. For me, it’s an interesting exercise to see who has any creativity and can come up with something new. Just last week, I was chatting with Jim up the street, and he came up with one that I hadn’t heard before. We were talking about building some chairs, and I was having a hard time saying “Adirondack.” It’s a hard word. I even had to go to the spell checker just to type it right, so I don’t have to tell you that saying it wasn’t a picnic either. As I stood there stumbling over “Adree-on-dack…Adeernokdan…Abercrombie….”, Jim jumped in and said, “It’s ‘Adirondack’, you Dutch Putz.”
But being Dutch really pays off, too. For example, we know how to make a totally awesome bike. A bike company just opened in Ballard which specializes in importing and selling Dutch bicycles. The company is called Dutch Bike Seattle and they sell a good range of bikes. There’s a lot of distracting crap on the website like “facts” and “information”, so I don’t recommend you go there. Just stay here, and I’ll take you through the relevant details.
Bakfiets. Get rid of that gas-guzzling SUV. This baby will carry anything you need. In fact, get rid of your bathroom, too, because you can fill this bad-boy up with water and take a bath. Check out the kickstand on this thing. You can also use it to give people rides home from the bar. It’s literal translation is “tub bike”. I can’t wait to test drive one of these babies and check out how she corners. Plus, it has a headlight.
Kruisframe. You may think that means “cruise frame”. That’s not a bad guess, because I’m sure you can seriously cruise on this honker. It’s actual meaning is “cross frame”. I think the extra crosses are to make it heavier to justify the motorcycle kickstand on it. It’s not nearly as versatile as the Bakfiets, but this baby is designed to go uphill fast. They outlawed them in the Tour de France because the Dutchies were kicking too much ass.
Oma. Means “grandma”. There’s a model for dudes called the Opa which - not surprisingly - means “grandpa”. Don’t let the name fool you. This sucker is made for quick getaways. Most of the Dutch Mafia uses these suckers for hits. The saddle is spring-loaded for ejecting into lethal Dutchfu maneuvers.
Comes in 5 sizes: 57cm, 61cm, 65cm, 70cm, or Huge.
My only question regards the sizing. I’m six foot five and my racing bike is a 59cm. Who is the “Huge” size built for?
