It’s funny the way dogs seem to have good days and bad days. Mack is pretty even-keeled, but he does have a temper, and some days it gets the better of him more quickly than others. Beene has on-days and off-days. “Off days” means she has difficulty making it through a doorway without screwing it up, and “on days” means it’s not an off-day. Today seems to have been an average day for Mack, but Beene was on top of her game all day . That doesn’t mean she was actually on top of her game; it just means that she felt extra good about herself and everything she was doing.
I feel bad for Mack that I write about Beene more than I do about him. It’s not that I like her more. If anything it’s the opposite. But the fact is that he impresses me less often because my expectations are much higher for him than they are for her. With him, it ends up with me being annoyed with him because he forgot to take into account the curvature of space-time for the object (himself) versus the observer (everyone else) due to his current speed, whereas I’m overjoyed when Beene recognizes me when I wake her before 6 am.
I got the dogs up early this morning because Michelle and I had arranged to Skype at 7:00 and I wanted to be ready to leave for work when we finished up. Morning walks when Beene isn’t fully awake are pretty rough because she just plows ahead with her head down and doesn’t notice when we’re stopping to let Mack do his business. She outweighs Mack by roughly 100 pounds, so the poor guy doesn’t stand a chance. We use a Y-leash for them, so couple a 150 pound moron to a 60 pound mutt, and that little guy just gets ripped off the pot every time. When I raise my voice at her to tell her to stop and wait, she looks at me with those big brown empty eyes that say, “What? Am I not on the couch anymore?”
But it’s really hard to stay mad at her when we round the corner for the last uphill stretch to the house and she suddenly wakes up a bit and gets an extra spring in her step and holds her head a little higher. She’s so ignorantly optimistic, I just don’t have the heart to stay annoyed with her when she’s feeling so good about herself.
I think most readers of this blog have come to the correct conclusion that Beene is an oddball. It’s hard to pick just one, but if I was going to name her oddest quality, it might be how long it takes her to “wake up”. Most dogs have an On/Off switch. For example, when Mack wakes up, he’s wide awake instantly. There is no third state. He is either sleeping or bouncing off the walls. This is handy for activities like “guarding the house” and “not missing anything cool”. Beene, on the other hand, has to shake the sleep off before she becomes alert. In this context, “alert” means she’s able to recognize that neither Michelle nor I are strangers, and can distinguish between doorways and walls. It’s generally accepted that Beene is in this “alert” state from roughly 2:15 until 3:30. It’s an untestable theory because Michelle and I are at work during this time, but an untestable theory is almost the same as knowledge.
Her worst time is on the morning walk. She’s usually sufficiently groggy that she has a hard time pulling together all the factors that go into squatting to pee. This is more complicated than it may seem, so let me outline the major factors that need to be controlled in order to execute. These are in no particular order, and are of approximately equal importance, meaning that failing to control any of these factors is likely to result in abortion of the attempt. Also note that some are compound factors, contributing to the complexity of this seemingly simple (and biologically fundamental) activity:
Realize she has to pee, that she is outside, and that outside is the venue for this activity.
Find a suitable spot. This involves smelling the ground, but she and I are both at a loss for what constitutes an appropriate location. Corners are better than open areas, but that’s about all we know. It’s more of a “feel” thing, apparently.
Not get distracted by unforeseeable and potentially fatal events such as birds chirping or wind rustling leaves.
Bending her legs into the “pee squat” position without loosing focus and thinking she is just trying to sit. It’s tempting because sitting is easier than squatting.
Have full confidence that she has to pee and not poop. She also needs to be fully committed to one or the other if she needs to do both.
This morning was about average, I counted six tries before a successful execution.
What this means is I have lots of time for thinking, but sadly the morning walk is usually before my morning espresso, so I’m not that much better off than Beene. Which explains why I haven’t solved the Construction of a Consistent Quantum Theory of Gravity problem. Instead, I count how many times she tries to pee.
My friend Kevin mentioned yesterday that he and his wife conducted a focus group session to evaluate which posts on this blog suck and which don’t. According to this fair and balanced study - which sought the input from a wide range of audiences, including two sexes (which is the maximum number) - posts containing pictures of Mack are more popular than posts about Dutch guys. I am certain the study is legitimate because it included a graphic. It is a little known fact, however, that graphics can sometimes be misleading. Assuming I was misinterpreting the graphic, I sought clarification. Surely the entries about Dutch guys intersects with the set of popular posts. The response I received was as follows:
Sorry to disappoint, but she does say that the set of entries about Dutch guys doesn’t intersect with the set of entries she likes.
It has something to do with you not being as cute as Mack.
A few months ago we were grilling corn and and, because we totally suck at it, we messed it up so badly that we only wanted to eat about half of what we made. What did we do with left over corn? Why, fed it to the doggs, of course. Now, the actual cob is rather unhealthy for a dog since it’s hard to pass. To circumvent this problem Michelle decided to see if Mack could eat corn off the cob like a human. As it turns out, he can. It seemed oddly natural to him, and he approached it as though it was the most normal thing in the world. He must have said to himself, “This cob might not be good for my digestive system; I think I’ll try to bite the kernels off individually. When I am done eating, I shall do Calculus.” Beene, on the other hand, consumed half a cob despite our best efforts to prevent her from doing so.
Naturally, we bragged about Mack’s newfound skill to our friends. Their dog, Bromley, is a prodigy: she can eat watermelon and ring a bell when she needs to be let outside. With their interest piqued, they investigated to see if Bromley’s repertoire could be expanded to include eating corn off the cob. Not surprisingly, it could.
Mack and Bromley rule at eating corn, Beene is confused. Enjoy.
Note: The quality of this version is lower than the Quicktime version available here. For best results, watch the Quicktime verison.
It’s raining today in Seattle. I know, we’re all in shock, too.
Two good things came out of it, though.
First, we are heading down to Ballard with some friends from up the street to hang out at Portalis, imbibe, and watch the bike race. The rain today is a good thing because the rookie Cat 4-5 race is going to be spectacular. I’m putting $5.00 on some douchebag deciding he’s going to win the race by launching his attack mid-corner while he’s still in the middle of the pack. That will be totally cool to watch.
Second, we got to try out the rain coats we just bought the dogs.
quickly than others. Beene has on-days and off-days. “Off days” means she has difficulty making it through a doorway without screwing it up, and “on days” means it’s not an off-day. Today seems to have been an average day for Mack, but Beene was on top of her game all day . That doesn’t mean she was actually on top of her game; it just means that she felt extra good about herself and everything she was doing.
was going to name her oddest quality, it might be how long it takes her to “wake up”. Most dogs have an On/Off switch. For example, when Mack wakes up, he’s wide awake instantly. There is no third state. He is either sleeping or bouncing off the walls. This is handy for activities like “guarding the house” and “not missing anything cool”. Beene, on the other hand, has to shake the sleep off before she becomes alert. In this context, “alert” means she’s able to recognize that neither Michelle nor I are strangers, and can distinguish between doorways and walls. It’s generally accepted that Beene is in this “alert” state from roughly 2:15 until 3:30. It’s an untestable theory because Michelle and I are at work during this time, but an untestable theory is almost the same as knowledge.
about half of what we made. What did we do with left over corn? Why, fed it to the doggs, of course. Now, the actual cob is rather unhealthy for a dog since it’s hard to pass. To circumvent this problem Michelle decided to see if Mack could eat corn off the cob like a human. As it turns out, he can. It seemed oddly natural to him, and he approached it as though it was the most normal thing in the world. He must have said to himself, “This cob might not be good for my digestive system; I think I’ll try to bite the kernels off individually. When I am done eating, I shall do Calculus.” Beene, on the other hand, consumed half a cob despite our best efforts to prevent her from doing so.
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