What is going on with Giada De Laurentiis from Everyday Italian? Why does she have a cooking show? She is obviously very uncomfortable in front of a camera, awkward in a kitchen, can’t hold a knife to save her life, and doesn’t have any tolerance for getting things messy. Those are the first four things I would check up on before setting someone up on with a cooking show. But once again, the Right People forgot to check in with me before giving it the green light.
Michelle and I call her “The Italian Bird”, which is a misnomer because we’re pretty sure she just pretends like she’s Italian. First hint: every time she says something Italian like “Parmesan Reggiano”, she says it (a) like a spaz and (b) differently than the last time she said it. I speak various western European languages to varying degrees, and I’ve noticed a common thread among them: unless you’re from Andorra, “spaz” is usually not an element of pronunciation, and words are pretty much pronounced the same way each time you use it. Pronunciation is not typically something a native speaker “guesses” at. Second hint: when her siblings come on the show, they don’t appear to speak a word of Italian. She also pretends like she’s from this big Italian cooking family. But when her mom comes on the show, she can’t tell the difference between an oven and a mixer. Most cooks will tell you this is important distinction because a roast can take a really long time to cook in a mixer.
To recap, she’s weird on camera, has no recognizable skills in the kitchen, appears to have no cooking background, and can’t stand making a mess. I have no idea why her show is popular. My best guess is it’s because she wears low-cut shirts and has big boobs. Bearing in mind how most men react to that configuration, I’m estimating that doubles her show’s ratings. I am ashamed for men everywhere that we’re that easy. Especially you, Bourdain. I thought you were better than that. This woman is a complete douchewaffle.
And why the HELL is she on the Today Show now? This chick is borderline retarded, obnoxious, and a fraud. Oh, wait. I guess that one makes perfect sense, then.
I’m hopelessly optimistic. There can be a hole in the bottom and the water has drained out all over the table, and I’m usually still pretty sure the glass is half full. That’s a good thing, too, because you’ve probably noticed our country is a disaster, and it would be unpleasant to be a pessimist under these circumstances.
I cheerfully start awful or impossible tasks without the foggiest clue of how far up Shit Creek I’m going to get myself before I drop the paddle and flip the canoe. I always face these tasks head-on. That’s why I often fail where others succeed.
In this way, I set about picking my top five songs of all time. It was quite a chore to work this list out, and to keep it to five songs. Obviously, this would require assembling a focus group, but I’m too lazy to organize something like that. I turned to the DutchMonkey Steering Committee.
The committee set the following selection criteria.
The songs had to be:
Relatively modern (if we had included classical music and operas, we’d be totally hosed.)
Vocal music
Mood-immune: you always feel like listening to it when it comes on, regardless of your mood
Skip-immune: you never skip over this song when it comes on
The committee met over a pint of Guinness at Molly Maguires in Ballard to discuss candidates and came up with about 25 songs. I was left with the responsibility to narrow it down to five. Which I started cheerfully. So, without further ado, here we go.
Number Five: Song: Please Don’t Tell Her
Artist: Big Head Todd and the Monsters
Album: Beautiful World Buy on iTunes
Todd Park Mohr is one of the most under-rated living guitar players. This particular song features one of the best guitar solos ever played. Pay attention to how the guitar tone goes perfectly with the delicate and clean phrases of the solo and how well it fits into the song. In concert, Todd has until recently always skipped this solo, choosing instead to play the climbing chord progression played in the background. My theory is that he played that solo in the studio as a one-off and has been afraid to touch it live, knowing he couldn’t match it.
Number Four: Song: Folsom Prison Blues
Artist: Johnny Cash
Album: 16 Biggest Hits (and various others) Buy on iTunes
Johnny Cash has always been one of my favorites, and there is something very raw and natural about this particular song. I remember the first time I heard it, sandwiched between my brother and sister in the back of our Jeep on the way to Colorado. In particular the phrase “I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die, when I hear that whistle blowin’, I hang my head and cry” stuck with me. It turns out I’m not the only one who felt drawn to that line - and with good reason. It makes you reflect on what a waste of two lives that is, both the man who was shot and the man who is spending his life in prison for killing a man for no good reason. Cash mentioned in an interview how he came up with that line: “I sat with my pen in my hand, trying to think up the worst reason a person could have for killing another person, and that’s what came to mind.”
Number Three: Song: Synthesizer
Artist: Electric Six
Album: Fire Buy on iTunes
There’s not much I can say about Electric Six. I’m really not sure why I like these guys so much, but they are awesome. Their music is a great blend of hard rock and 80’s dance music. We saw these guys play at the Cats Cradle with about two dozen people in the joint. They put on a show like they were playing the Taj Mahal. The song Synthesizer is awesome in a really intangible way. Here’s a sampling of the lyrics:
You can go west or east
Confess your sins to a priest
You can slay the wicked beast
But you can’t ignore my techno
I like a sensible lyric; so many songs are filled with lies. This one isn’t because you can’t ignore my techno.
Number Two: Song: You’re Crazy (explicit)
Artist: Guns n’ Roses
Album: Lies Buy on iTunes
If it wasn’t for song number one, this would be the best song ever. I know that’s always the case, but it sounds convincing and that means it makes sense. Apparently, these guys were so busy celebrating the success of Appetite for Destruction that they completely forgot they were contractually obligated to release a second album. They grabbed some acoustic guitars and put together four tracks in a matter of hours. All four of the tracks are excellent, but this version of “You’re Crazy” has a groove like no other hard rock song. Everything is perfect: Izzy’s acoustic rhythm guitar with Slash’s hollow body electric leads & solo, and Axl’s swinging vocals scorching over the top.
Number One: Song: Traveling Riverside Blues
Artist: Led Zeppelin
Album: BBC Sessions Buy on Amazon.com
I went through my Led Zeppelin phase in high school like everyone else, but these guys are still one of my favorite bands, although I feel most of the members are overrated. Jimmy Page was a great guitar player, but by no means one of the best ever. Robert Plant was an awesome singer song writer, but there are plenty who were or are better. Same goes for John Paul Jones. Innovation counts for something, and they all had that in spades, but John “Bonzo” Bonham was the best drummer ever. It’s his playing that gave Zep their special edge; his sharp-but-not-too-perfect sense of rhythm gives a swing to the songs that other hard rock bands totally miss. And, most impressively, he can get ahead or behind the beat in a song to pull you in or drag you out.
Traveling Riverside Blues was recorded live for the BBC and perfectly demonstrates Bonzo’s playing. It goes perfectly with Page’s slide guitar rhythm playing, and Plant swings between his best raspy falsettos and Elvis impressions.
Being bilingual is really nice, but it does have some disadvantages. Since I grew up in the U.S. speaking Dutch at home, my handle on both Dutch and English is weaker than native speakers. Not only is my Dutch vocabulary a snapshot of 1970’s pop culture when my parents immigrated, but my English is full of expressions translated directly from Dutch - expressions which I think make perfect sense but make American’s look at me like I have two heads. Things like “from thick wood one saws many planks”.
I also struggle to say various English words and expressions correctly, often mixing up the more subtle details. For example, something like “he can’t tell his ass from his elbow” or “he’s got his head up his ass” might become something like, “he’s got his head up his elbow.” I really feel the burden lies on everyone else to show some flexibility and “get” that.
I get called a lot of names. A lot of them get recycled, like “Old Dutch”, “Dumbass”, and “The Windmill”, but sometimes an original one comes along. For me, it’s an interesting exercise to see who has any creativity and can come up with something new. Just last week, I was chatting with Jim up the street, and he came up with one that I hadn’t heard before. We were talking about building some chairs, and I was having a hard time saying “Adirondack.” It’s a hard word. I even had to go to the spell checker just to type it right, so I don’t have to tell you that saying it wasn’t a picnic either. As I stood there stumbling over “Adree-on-dack…Adeernokdan…Abercrombie….”, Jim jumped in and said, “It’s ‘Adirondack’, you Dutch Putz.”
But being Dutch really pays off, too. For example, we know how to make a totally awesome bike. A bike company just opened in Ballard which specializes in importing and selling Dutch bicycles. The company is called Dutch Bike Seattle and they sell a good range of bikes. There’s a lot of distracting crap on the website like “facts” and “information”, so I don’t recommend you go there. Just stay here, and I’ll take you through the relevant details.
Bakfiets. Get rid of that gas-guzzling SUV. This baby will carry anything you need. In fact, get rid of your bathroom, too, because you can fill this bad-boy up with water and take a bath. Check out the kickstand on this thing. You can also use it to give people rides home from the bar. It’s literal translation is “tub bike”. I can’t wait to test drive one of these babies and check out how she corners. Plus, it has a headlight.
Kruisframe. You may think that means “cruise frame”. That’s not a bad guess, because I’m sure you can seriously cruise on this honker. It’s actual meaning is “cross frame”. I think the extra crosses are to make it heavier to justify the motorcycle kickstand on it. It’s not nearly as versatile as the Bakfiets, but this baby is designed to go uphill fast. They outlawed them in the Tour de France because the Dutchies were kicking too much ass.
Oma. Means “grandma”. There’s a model for dudes called the Opa which - not surprisingly - means “grandpa”. Don’t let the name fool you. This sucker is made for quick getaways. Most of the Dutch Mafia uses these suckers for hits. The saddle is spring-loaded for ejecting into lethal Dutchfu maneuvers.
Comes in 5 sizes: 57cm, 61cm, 65cm, 70cm, or Huge.
My only question regards the sizing. I’m six foot five and my racing bike is a 59cm. Who is the “Huge” size built for?
Some people appear to have excellent timing. I assume what is really happening is that they can control the flow of time to their benefit, and I’m actually just the butt of some complicated practical joke.
Take yesterday, for example. Michelle and I were having coffee at Cafe Arosa near Michelle’s office on First Hill. Hans, the guy who runs the coffee shop, is a hard-core older Swiss gentleman. He makes his mochas using chocolate that he shaves from a giant hunk of chocolate with a butcher’s knife. Take that, Starbucks.
We ordered two iced mochas, a panini sandwich, and one of his magical waffles. The mocha’s were done first, and Michelle brought them outside to the table where we wanted to eat. She came back into the cafe to wait for the waffle. We were both standing around spacing out, leaving the table outside unguarded.
Hans noticed this and said, “I’m surprised no one has taken you coffee yet.” It hadn’t even occurred to me that someone would take our coffee. Suddenly aware of the risk, I immediately turned to look at the table just in time to see a hand reach out of nowhere and nick one of our cups off the table. Horrified, Michelle and I ran for the door and stopped the thief as he walked by. To my surprise, he didn’t look anything like how I imagined a coffee crook would. He was just some guy who appeared to be under the influence of some kind of substance. No zoot suit or Tommy Gun or anything. We confronted him and he replied that he “was wondering why someone had left two cups of coffee out there” and figured it was his civic duty to take one of them. Realizing that we probably didn’t want the coffee anymore anyway, we let him keep it.
We went back in and ordered another coffee. Hans was having a great laugh out of this, saying there was no possible way his wife would ever believe what happened. I think the sly devil is just trying to keep me off his trail. He’ll have to try harder than that, because I’m onto him. I know what really happened is he influenced the space-time continuum because he was bored.
By the way, after we got our fresh iced mocha, Michelle and I sat down to enjoy our food and coffee. A few moments later, the Coffee Bandit came walking by again, now also carrying a sandwich, which I’m guessing he also swiped. He apologized for taking our coffee, and we dismissed it as not being a problem. Michelle mentioned that she hopes he enjoys it.
There’s something strange about taking a few short days to make a big trip. Growing up, we used to do that kind of thing all the time: leave by car over Thanksgiving weekend to drive to Winter Park or Grand Targhee for two days of skiing before heading back in time for school Monday morning. When we got back, it always felt like we’d been on a long vacation even though we had only been away for a few days.
That’s exactly what our trip to San Francisco felt like; we were gone only five days, but it felt like we had been on vacation for weeks. We drove this route along the Pacific Coast Highway to San Francisco, spent three days there, and drove back. The drive down the coast was staggeringly beautiful - I can’t believe this kind of thing exists in our back yard. If you haven’t done it and have the opportunity to, do yourself a favor and make the trip. Just don’t try to read in the car - the road is a trifle twisty.
We drove from Seattle to Crescent City, California Wednesday night. Then, we started out along Highway 101 at about 7:00am Thursday and arrived in San Francisco around 11:00pm. There we spent two days kicking around town before meeting up with Pat and Val on Sunday who coincidentally were in San Francisco the same weekend for a wedding.
Pictures are posted below, but make sure you click the Full Screen button to view the photo album in all its glory.
uncomfortable in front of a camera, awkward in a kitchen, can’t hold a knife to save her life, and doesn’t have any tolerance for getting things messy. Those are the first four things I would check up on before setting someone up on with a cooking show. But once again, the Right People forgot to check in with me before giving it the green light.
and I’m usually still pretty sure the glass is half full. That’s a good thing, too, because you’ve probably noticed our country is a 
Song: Please Don’t Tell Her
Song: Folsom Prison Blues
Song: Synthesizer
Song: You’re Crazy (explicit)
Song: Traveling Riverside Blues
my handle on both Dutch and English is weaker than native speakers. Not only is my Dutch vocabulary a snapshot of 1970’s pop culture when my parents immigrated, but my English is full of expressions translated directly from Dutch - expressions which I think make perfect sense but make American’s look at me like I have two heads. Things like “from thick wood one saws many planks”.
Bakfiets. Get rid of that gas-guzzling SUV. This baby will carry anything you need. In fact, get rid of your bathroom, too, because you can fill this bad-boy up with water and take a bath. Check out the kickstand on this thing. You can also use it to give people rides home from the bar. It’s literal translation is “tub bike”. I can’t wait to test drive one of these babies and check out how she corners. Plus, it has a headlight.
Kruisframe. You may think that means “cruise frame”. That’s not a bad guess, because I’m sure you can seriously cruise on this honker. It’s actual meaning is “cross frame”. I think the extra crosses are to make it heavier to justify the motorcycle kickstand on it. It’s not nearly as versatile as the Bakfiets, but this baby is designed to go uphill fast. They outlawed them in the Tour de France because the Dutchies were kicking too much ass.
Oma. Means “grandma”. There’s a model for dudes called the Opa which - not surprisingly - means “grandpa”. Don’t let the name fool you. This sucker is made for quick getaways. Most of the Dutch Mafia uses these suckers for hits. The saddle is spring-loaded for ejecting into lethal Dutchfu maneuvers.
I’m actually just the butt of some complicated practical joke.
kind of thing all the time: leave by car over Thanksgiving weekend to drive to 
